in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
