it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
