It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
