The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
