do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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