Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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