double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
