I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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