i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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