turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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