is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
