apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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