I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
In other news, I just burned my penis
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
