I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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