that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
