I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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