I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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