Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
