a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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