he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
