it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
