Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
