I need help removing her.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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