Betty ford says i'm here all night
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Don't EVER smell your tampon
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
