seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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