I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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