Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
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