I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize