I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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