I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
