he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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