I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
