I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Randomize
