so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
