Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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