just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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