i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Girls should come with a carfax report
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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