3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
