Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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