If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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