you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
