Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
