Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
