So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
