Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
