grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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