Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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