A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
