Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize