Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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