I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
