If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
