I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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