fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
