I have demons in me.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
